Before Samir Soni made his mark in the Indian film industry, the actor worked as a financial analyst. After two years on Wall Street, he decided to give up his successful corporate career to pursue his passion – acting. The actor arrived in Mumbai with big dreams and bigger hopes, and eventually bagged a key role in a prominent film of the time. Little did he know that the premiere of his first feature film will be on the same evening that his divorce gets through. Furthering the blow was the fact that a large chunk of what he performed didn’t make it to the final cut of the film.
“That’s a night I can never forget in my life. It was a double whammy for me. In my personal life, I felt like I had failed because I was not keen on the divorce. I thought we could have given it more time because we were just married for six months, so you kind of interpret that as a failure on your part,” he said in an interview with Times Now Digital. That night, however, has in a way led to today, when the actor has bared his heart and soul in his recently released book, My Experiments With Silence: The Diary Of An Introvert. The actor decided to pour his heart out in his diary, from which he has released a few pages in the book. Particularly keen to not have it launched as a memoir, Samir believes that the book is an attempt to remind people they are alone in the testing times. Triggers can be different, but emotions, feelings, self-doubt, anxiety and fear are universal.
“It doesn’t get any more personal than this,” he says, explaining that this felt like the right time to launch the book since he is in a secure personal space right now where he is not too scared to be judged. “Initially I was apprehensive,” he admits. He doubted if the writing had any merit, but was always certain about the honest of his words since they weren’t written for an audience.
“I remember writing some of the pieces while I was crying. And I distinctly remember some pieces when I was writing and teardrops fell on it… and if there is anybody else going through that then they can take solace in the fact that they are not alone. There are people feeling the same way,” explains the actor, who has detailed his tryst with anxiety and self-doubt in the book.
Asked if he ever sought professional help back then, the actor shares that he was never the one to brush things under the carper. He always wanted to understand why he felt the way he felt and he did seek professional help to understand it all better. “Talking to friends and family can only take you so far. They will probably say, Oh forget it, oh you know let’s go and have a drink or something. No one has the time and patience to go into the depth of how you feel and why you feel. That only a professional can do because that is their job. So I was in counselling for a long time,” he says, adding that even now he takes counselling every now and then.
“I remember meeting a psychologist and he says, how do you feel, how are you and I try to be very clerical I said I am alright, I’m kind of low and I don’t feel like going out too much. He had a brilliant analysis and he said I want to know how you feel and I am like bawling then and I kept thinking what is this happening!” he recounts. The actor also takes acting as his ultimate catharsis. “I express emotions through that and that point in time it kind of dawned on me that I didn’t even know I had it in me, because I always thought I was a very well put together guy but little did I know that you scratch the surface and there’s a little kid…”
“I still continue to travel that journey, I don’t think it ever ends perse,” he adds, elaborating on his journey of professional help and medication for anxiety. This is also where his faith in God comes in the picture – something that continues to life him back up each time he falls down. Being an eternal optimist, Samir is of the view that no matter how hard the journey is, there’s always something good waiting right around the corner.
“It’s also annoying,” he jokingly says explaining that only makes one not want to give up because a part of them knows they might be miserable today, but something good will definitely happen in the future. Samir also credits his life experiences for making him understand the mantra – “When I am happy, I am not ecstatic and when I am sad, I am not down the dumps.” The actor has an interesting analogy as to why he decided to share his deepest diary entries with the world. He explains that while there are countless books on mantras to achieve success or happiness, none of them talks about the phase before the ultimate goal.
“There are aspirational things that you are almost not able to relate to it. You know like, get up at 6 in the morning and do yoga. I wish I could be like you, but I am not. I’m struggling and I wish a lot of people would talk about what it takes before the yoga that you can relate to. Like everybody sells you the end product, but one never sees a broken, shattered and destroyed and then rising again. Which is what I think people will relate to,” he articulates.
The actor, an introvert by his own admission, has dedicated his book to “all the misfit souls of the world, living the inside out”. Asked if he considers himself to be a misfit in the film industry, the actor smilingly says, “I am.” While he initially tried to fight the feeling, he is now aware of it, and luckily, people have accepted him for who he is.
“It’s magnified in our profession because a lot depends on the physical appearance. Even if you’re feeling like c*** and you have to attend a party and worried about what to do and say, you still have to maintain a nice and pleasant demeanour… There is a classic difference between an introvert and an extrovert. An extravert gains energy when they are surrounded by people and an introvert drains energy,” he says. When asked if he has ever lost out on roles because of his introverted nature, the actor immediately responds, “Sure, a gazillion maybe!” The actor also adds that he has often been told that he should be seen more. “When I am on the set, however, that’s my home. I change personalities. Someone told me also once that more people get stressed in front of the cameras whereas you are more relaxed because that’s the only time you not acting. And it was ironical that I might be acting most of the time, but in front of the camera, I come in my own.”
The actor, who is now happily married to Neelam Kothari, was once married to Rajlakshmi Khanvilkar. The two separated within months of their marriage. Years on, the actor also talks about the learnings from his first marriage. “Don’t jump into anything too soon and don’t jump out of it too soon. Because you got to give it time and we did not. Once you kind of fall in love, you think everything should be hunky-dory but living together is tough and you don’t know what things will be like. We knew each other only for three months really,” he shares. The actor also opens up about how his life has changed after his marriage with Neelam “With God’s grace, as much I am a loner, I love having a family. As much as I want to be quiet most of the time, I love the hustle-bustle around with Neelam in my life and my daughter,” he adds.
The best moments of his day, Samir reveals, are when he, Neelam, their daughter Ahana and their little dog Oreo are on the same bed, and just going about their own things. “That’s the most relax I can ever be,” he says.
